When “How Are You?” Is Hard to Answer

“How are you?” is a common question we ask. Walking down the street, running into someone we casually know, or meeting a friend for lunch, it’s often the way we begin a conversation. If the answer is a quick “fine” or “okay,” the conversation moves on to other subjects. Most times, the question and answer aren’t given much thought.

But for someone going through a difficult time, this simple question can suddenly become difficult to answer.

When I was going through difficult cancer treatments, a short trip out of my home to run errands was an escape from thinking about my health. It was a much-needed opportunity to participate in other areas of my old life. But when I ran into a friend, a neighbor, or even a store clerk and was asked, “How are you?” the answer wasn’t automatic. Suddenly, I faced a decision. Do I tell the truth and say, “Not so great”? That invites a follow-up question about why. If I say “fine” when I’m not, I’m uncomfortable about being dishonest. I can easily brush off giving a conventional “fine” answer to a store clerk I’ll rarely see again. But friends and neighbors often know my “fine” answer isn’t real, and it’s important to me not to lie to friends.

When I shared with my cancer support group my discomfort about how to be truthful without talking about cancer all the time, heads nodded around the room. I wasn’t the only one struggling with “How are you?” As we talked, we realized we shared three concerns. First, we wanted to limit who knew about our cancer. Second, most of us didn’t feel good about lying, even to strangers. Third, we wanted to be more than just cancer and not talk endlessly about our health.

When we’re thinking about cancer, we can easily get hooked into our emotional fears about what is happening to us, the physical discomfort we’re living with, and thoughts about the things we can no longer easily do. A simple trip to the grocery store or a walk around the neighborhood can become a welcome chance to focus on things outside ourselves.

This sounds like a small issue when you’re dealing with a bigger problem like a disease that is disrupting your life, but nevertheless, it’s one of the everyday encounters many of us have to learn to navigate.

Of course, there are times when “How are you?” is exactly the right question. When someone visits me at home or in the hospital and knows I have cancer, I know they’re genuinely asking how I’m doing. It’s different when I’m out in public. Other people may hear my answer, including friends who don’t know I have cancer, and suddenly I have to decide how much I want to share and with whom.

As my cancer treatments progressed, I became more seasoned at dealing with “How are you?” when I was out in public. I learned how to blow off the question without answering and quickly move the conversation to a different topic. Sometimes I complimented them on something they were wearing, asked a question about their life, or pointed out something interesting around us.

Cancer isn’t the only life-altering experience that can make “How are you?” difficult to answer. Imagine a widow or widower finally venturing out again. For a little while, they may be enjoying themselves and not thinking about their recent loss. Then someone asks, “How are you?” Suddenly, they turn inward to consider how they’re feeling, and the grief comes rushing back. Now they may be struggling to hold back tears.

One of the questions I’m most often asked when I speak is, “What should I say instead?” My answer is to greet someone we know is going through a difficult time with “It’s so nice to see you,” or “I’ve missed you. I’m glad you’re here.” Then move the conversation to a topic of mutual interest. If they need or want to talk about what’s going on in their life, they can choose to bring the conversation back to themselves.

When life changes, we not only have to deal with the substantial change itself, but also learn how to live with all the smaller changes that come with it. For me, one of those was learning not to feel caught by the simple question, “How are you?”